Leslie, 28, Los Angeles, CA
I’ve been dating S for five months. He is a great guy, but there’s one big problem: he goes through all my stuff behind my back. He looks through my cell phone when I’m sleeping, my purse when I’m not looking, and I even caught him creeping through my emails and called him out on it. He said he was sorry and that he does not suspect me of doing anything shady, but his last girlfriend cheated on him and he has a hard time trusting people now, so he just needed reassurance. I feel bad that he was cheated on, and I want to make him comfortable in our relationship, but it’s not my fault he had a slimy ex-girlfriend. I shouldn’t have to suffer for her mistakes. I deserve the same blank slate of trust I give him in our relationship. What ever happened to innocent until proven guilty?
We don’t really have fights, and he never makes a big deal about me going out by myself, although this doesn’t happen that often. But I feel like his snooping is a violation of my privacy.
When I first noticed he was doing this, it did not bother me because I thought that he would calm down after finding that I was squeaky clean. But he doesn’t seem to be backing off. Just the other day, I caught him looking through my phone again at night and I pretended I was asleep.
My mother tells me that relationships are not perfect and maybe I have to be more patient and focus on his other good qualities. But this is really starting to irritate me. I don’t want to create a big blowup fight, I just want him to cut it out. I don’t know what to do, but I know it’s going to bother me more and more. I’m wondering if this ridiculous behavior will run its course or whether I should tell him to end it for good or else?